Okay, now that my ebook is out (“Are You Gonna Believe God or Your Lying Eyes?  The Smart Christian’s Guide to Walking by  Faith” (Kindle version at www.amazon.com; Nook version at www.barnesandnoble.com), fear has set in like a bad perm.  I don’t know what to do about it, except to believe that it will, like it has at other times in my life, GO AWAY.  I was under the impression that I was afraid  of not selling enough books.  When I am fearful of anything, my number one sign is inactivity.  Usually I write every day, but in this state,  I haven’t written a word in two weeks.  I haven’t checked my ebook sales numbers on Amazon, Smashwords, or Barnes and  Noble.  I haven’t written my blog in two weeks.  I have done absolutely nothing toward continuing to build my business.  Fear had me paralyzed even while I was repetitiously quoting that God did not give me the spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind  (self-discipline).  Then there were the crying fits, coming out of nowhere that had me scratching my head and saying,  what’s wrong with me?

I chalked the whole experience up to being afraid of failure.  Of me being afraid that nobody would buy my books, which in essence meant they would not buy into my dream, which translated into rejection.  I became frustrated that I didn’t have the money to really invest in certain marketing tools the way I wanted to, like building my website, getting my business cards done, and designing e-blast content.  However, I  learned something interesting from talking with my life coach.  There was a deeper fear than failure in my line of vision.  It was my fear that if I  did fail, if nobody buys my books, and I don’t have two pennies to rub together, I would have to get a regular full-time job.  A regular, full-time job is, in my opinion, worse than I imagine it is like in Hell.

The idea that someone has the right to tell me when I can come and go, that they can control any amount of my time is a miserable thought.  Then there is the workplace bullying, which I have experienced in the past from supervisors who were either incompetent or insecure and took it out on me.  There is that incessant small talk people have to do like, “is it hot enough out there for you?” and “so how was your weekend?” (My eyes are glazing over just thinking about it).  Then there is the absolute phony behavior.  For instance, when someone asks how you are doing, they don’t really want to know.  All they want to hear is “fine” or “great.”  And what about those timekeeping systems, signing in and out.  That’s the kind of thing that goes on in a halfway house among criminals.

I am haunted by the very idea of time-wasting meetings, cliques, backstabbing, red tape, and jobs that expect you to be loyal to them, but don’t reciprocate.  They want you to give reasonable notice if you decide to resign but tell you up front they are an at-will employer and can get rid of you any time for any reason.  They want you to work long hours but leaving early is frowned upon.  If you are out three consecutive days, they want a doctor’s note; but they will keep need-to-know information from you and lie to you up until Dooms Day.  It is sad that one bad supervisor or terrible co-worker can make life difficult for everybody, but it is tolerated and there are no laws to stop workplace abuse.

So, no, I don’t fear failure.  I fear what failure will mean…getting a full-time job.  The thought of it makes me cringe.  I beg God to let me sell enough copies of my books and let the business flourish so well that I never have to see the inside of another W4 form again!  But I also realize, even as I am begging God for His help, that I have a part to play.  So I’m getting up, wiping my tears, setting aside my fears, and I’m making this business work for me, ride or die!

This week’s takeaway: Use your fears as your fuel to keep going

What are you afraid of and how do you manage it?